Week Seven Wrapup
by Ryan Woods
posted on October 27, 2004 1:11 pm

Oh, what a week for some close games! The biggest blowout of the week was the one in which the leader went down. Mr. Natalie Portman lost by 18.24 points, but every other game this week was decided by 10 points or less. Let’s see how it all came down:

Turd Fergusson v. The Cosby Sweaters

This week’s Clash of the Titans game was between TF and TCS. Turd has a pretty rough couple of weeks ahead of him. After this game, he plays Portman in what could end up being a battle for first place. In other words, Turd needed the win. Unfortunately, he didn’t get it. Cosby has taken what was once believed to be a team with mediocre backups, and made them all quality starters. He has whipped into shape the likes of Curtis Martin, the Lions defense, Jake Plummer, and a pot smoking Jimmy Smith to turn this team into a potential contender every week. The game was very close, as everyone expected, but the thing that probably doomed Turd was the fact that his stellar Jacksonville D played the Colts offensive juggernaut. If he could have squeezed a few mistakes out of the elder Manning, he’d be sharing the best record in the league right now. Instead, he had to settle for sharing the #2 spot.

BANGER9 v. Hoochie Mamas

BANGER is without a doubt the best 4-3 fantasy squad in the nation. He’s second in points and has only lost because EVERYONE brings his ‘A’ game to play the BANGER. Hoochie Mamas led a gallant effort in defeat by getting a few of his studs to play like they were capable. Ahman Green turned in a ferocious effort, as did Randy McMichael and Jerry Porter, but when Hasslebeck coughs it up more than your Aunt Lois who’s got TB, your team is in trouble. In hindsight, it’s actually fortunate for the Mamas that Holmes got hurt, or BANGER’s score would have been 4 TDs and 90 yards higher!

MILF Divers v. Robintucky Raiders

If there was one game Oink wanted to follow more than his, it was this one! It is well documented that MILF and Oink have no love lost, and if MILF could have put up a W, he’d have been securely in 4th place in the league and a full two games ahead of Oink in the standings. Well a zero point effort by a gimpy Randy Moss squashed all those dreams for the divers. Even the .08 softball that McNair threw for the Raiders’ team wasn’t enough to guarantee MILF the victory. Robintucky had a fairly even effort from his whole team with his kicker being the lone standout. Boy, this team looked huge at the beginning of the year, but when your kicker is your MVP, you’re in trouble!

Running Mad v. Barbie Boppers

In a game where the Boppers saw TWO of his players post a zero, he squeaked out a win over Running Mad by a mere 1.47 points. Manning(31.72) and Baltimore D(30.23) produced two-thirds of this team’s output this week, and the future doesn’t look like that ratio will change much. This is a team that needs every win that it can get, and the Boppers were glad to take it from an underachieving Running Mad team. RM is posting an abysmal 82.34 points per game, and has willed his way to a 3-4 record. He is fortunate to play games almost every week where the opposing team is playing poorly. With Trent Green, Duece McAllister, and Buccaneers defense, you know this team is destined to be better than it is. They just fail to show up on game day. These are the growing pains that an expansion franchise faces all year long. I think it may be time for both of these teams to look towards next season.

Meat Helmets v. Defending Champs!

There was a time in this league when the Meat Helmets were 3-1 and pressing for the #3 spot in the league. Then came a .08 point loss that has completely taken the wind out of his sails. Starting with that game, the Helmets have gone 0-3 and they gave the Defending Champs their first win of the season. Because he refuses to give up on Michael Vick and he failed to aquire a bye week tight end, MH may have just put the last nail in the coffin of his playoff hopes. Defending Champs on the other hand has been DYING for a win, and it finally happened. This is a lot better team than the record shows, and you must give DC credit for not hanging up the cleats this year. In true Bears fashion, I forsee DC winning not quite enough games at the end of the year to make the playoffs, but too many to secure himself a good draft spot. He’s got a lot of quality on this team, and he just needs them to perform to their abilities.

Mr. Natalie Portman v. 0!nkp!g$

This was one of the many games decided on Monday night, but the game was all but won before the kickoff. Oink needed 4 measley points from Chad Johnson to take the W, and he 18.5 more just to add icing to the cake. Portman was beat in almost every aspect of the game this week. The only position that he had the advantage was at running back with Jones and Dunn putting up a combined 25.85 points to Oink’s 20.75 from Taylor and Tomlinson. This win puts Oink in the position to make a playoff run, but he can’t afford to drop another game if he hopes to be in the post-season hunt. It will be interesting to see how this loss affects Portman. Will his team bounce back or will the agony of defeat signal the end of his reign at the top of the IIFFL standings? Week 8 he takes on Turd Fergusson, Week 9 the BANGERs come to town, and Week 13 is a much hyped rematch with The Cosby Sweaters. That could shake things up…a lot!